She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
