Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Sober January is a disaster.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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