Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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