Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
