I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My first STD was from a foam party
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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