my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
