I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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