she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
