We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
