Sponge bath it is.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
