drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
