I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
