did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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