I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
