Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
