She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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