I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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