1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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