hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
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sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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