I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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