so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
