stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
