I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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