For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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