So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
