My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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