I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
