I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
