The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
