fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
