I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
