New low: just hacked my moms facebook
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
