Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
