This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
