Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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