he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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