She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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