I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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