if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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