How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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