I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
