My cat gives me a boner
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
