I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
