if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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