everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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