Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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