don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
