we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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