Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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