On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
