You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
