Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
