I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
