I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
