Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
