They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
how drunk are you?
Several
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
