My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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