I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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