I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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