I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
