one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
