What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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